those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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