i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
