so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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