I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
