We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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