Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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