1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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