She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
