what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
