I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
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My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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