I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
