my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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