Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
