I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
