I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
