foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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