I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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