you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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