look no pants
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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