his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
