i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
