Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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