So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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