She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
