highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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