I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
