so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
