Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
