I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
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I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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