VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
