i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
