your parents love me but you hate me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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