Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
