i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
