Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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