Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
