it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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