Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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