I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
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I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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