im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
