I think my vagina is haunted
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
