dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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