I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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