so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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