On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
