dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
