The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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