you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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