foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
