there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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