i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
