porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My bed smells like the plague
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