You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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