Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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