I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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