have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
