ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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